Acts of Guilt
by JenLin
Summary: It's during the battle in Eclipse. Bella feels guilty over talking Edward into staying out of the fight, over the whole situation with Jacob, and over kissing him. When Edward finds out about the kiss, he thinks Bella has chosen Jacob.


_This will be a multi-chapter story, and I will be changing between 1st person and 3rd person POV._

_I don't own any of the characters. The quotes are taken from Eclipse, and therefore not mine, either. Hope you enjoy it - please review, and also read my other stories!_

* * *

_**Eclipse, p.420**_

"That's right – you said it was so easy that someone could sit out," I repeated his words from last night. "Did you really mean that?"

"Yes."

It felt too simple – he had to see it coming.

"So easy that _you_ could sit out?"

_**Eclipse, p.502**_

"As long as she wants me, I'm here."

"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" Jacob challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."

"I would let her go."

_**Eclipse, p.528**_

Why wasn't I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn't I find in myself even the desire to _want_ to stop? What did it mean that I didn't want _him_ to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enough for me?

The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: I'd been lying to myself.

_**Eclipse, p.531-532**_

I lay facedown across the sleeping bag, waiting for justice to find me. Maybe an avalanche would bury me here. I wished it would. I never wanted to have to see my face in the mirror again.

. . .

Edward was silent for a long moment. "Oh," he finally said.

The tone of his voice worried me that my avalanche wasn't coming fast enough. I peeked up at him and, sure enough, his eyes were unfocused as he listened to something I'd rather die than have him hear."

* * *

I walked back to the tent almost automatically, without paying attention to my surroundings. Somewhere behind me, already some distance away, I could hear Jacob howling. I didn't need to be a wolf to understand the triumph that howl contained. I stumbled a few times, but somehow managed to find my way back and enter the tent. I fell down on top of my sleeping bag and just lay there, face down, waiting for the inevitable punishment that would come. After what I'd done, it couldn't be far off.

I thought I had felt bad after asking Edward to sit out the fight. I had hated myself for the whole situation with Jacob, and letting it go on for so long. I felt guiltier than I ever had before when Jacob said he'd get himself killed in the fight. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Nothing could compare to the terrible guilt, the self-loathing and the cold feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was feeling right now. I wanted to sink through the earth and disappear forever.

Suddenly Edward was there beside me. When I heard his beautiful voice, asking me what was wrong, I just wanted to cry. It was only a matter of seconds before he would find out what I had done. Seth being there made sure that Edward would get a front seat to the re-play of my terrible mistake.

"Oh," was all he said. I looked up at him, and saw that he was listening intently to whatever was going through Jacob's – and therefore Seth's – head. Knowing Jacob, there was no doubt it would be very graphic.

I could see the emotions change on Edward's marble face. Surprise. Disbelief. A quick flash of anger, which soon turned into resignation and sadness. I couldn't stand watching it for another second.

I got up from where I was lying on the floor of the tent, and kneeled in front of Edward. I put my palms against his cheeks, and looked into his eyes, which still seemed far away

"Edward," I whispered.

He blinked, and then looked back at me. He had a pained expression in his eyes.

Tears started running down my cheeks. "Edward, I…" I whispered, but he silenced me with a careful finger against my lips.

"You don't have to say anything," he said. His voice was the saddest thing I had ever heard. "I understand. He can give you so much more than I can, a future and…"

"No! Edward, it's not like that!" I was sobbing now. "Edward, please, I didn't mean it, he said he'd get himself killed, I had to do it, I didn't mean it…" I was babbling through my tears. I had pressed my face against his chest, and soaked the front of his t-shirt with my tears. Edward started stroking my hair.

"Bella, it's all right…" I sat up, starting to tell him how awful I was and thanking him for forgiving me. "… I can see that you have made your choice, and I promised myself long ago that if that day ever came, I would let you go. So, I have to step back and let you be happy."

I didn't know what to say. I just sat there, staring at him, gaping, with tears still running down my face. I was so shocked by what to me seemed like a sudden turn of events – after all, only a few seconds ago I had thought that he would forgive me. I suddenly had the horrible feeling that my world was falling apart.


End file.
